Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
Those nachos came to me in a dream
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
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