There was a point where some of my friends attempted 'moi's', which stands for makeout on introduction.
It involved going up to women and very aggressively trying to make out with them upon meeting them
Surprisingly the success rate was exceedingly high
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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