Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Randomize
