We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
