Admittedly I was a little ambitious with some of the positions but you walked in during the worst of it.
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
I lost the right to judge tonight
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
Randomize
