Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Randomize
