Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
Randomize
