Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Randomize
