6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
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