I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Randomize
