I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
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