I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
Randomize
