I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Randomize
