So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
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