I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
Send help, water and tortillas.
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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