best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
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