If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
