Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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