boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
