if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
Free beer happened. I got hammered and aaron did his first keg stand. Then went all martha stewart on redecorating the bathroom. I remember being at walmart
What theme did he decide on for the bathroom?
Well as you know martha loves the northeast this time of year. I believe the theme was 'coney island' decorrated with hot dogs and macaroni
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
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