My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
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