Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
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