drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Randomize
