just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
The class that normally occupies the room we use for my Monday class had to do posters as if for a Hamlet movie and they pick actors for each character and this person wrote "Robert D. Niro"
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
