I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Randomize
