If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
