why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
i was rollin on her like bob the builder
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
You were basically naked. Just covered in pink duck tape and feathers. I'd have to say this is beyond the slutty mark..
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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