I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
