I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
