I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
I cannot find my penis.
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
Randomize