oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
is wine microwaveable?
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
Randomize
