I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
Randomize
