Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
Randomize
