Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
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