Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
She stuck a Big Gulp bend-y straw up his ass to see if he could handle anal.
Ew, and?!
Well he couldn't and the deal was he had to drink something using it afterwards.
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
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