My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
