I accidentally had phone sex last night
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
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