Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Randomize
