dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Randomize
