Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
