It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
Randomize
