woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
Half of elefante. Gelafin galaxy
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
Randomize
