can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Randomize
