i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
