That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
Randomize
