I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
Half of elefante. Gelafin galaxy
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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