First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
Randomize