just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
I love having hate sex.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
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