oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
I want her autograph on my taint
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
Randomize
