I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Randomize
