i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
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