Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
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