At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Randomize
