drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
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