If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
Randomize
