I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
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