Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
