Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
Question: terrible or awesome when a girl give you head so vigorously that you get a hickey of sorts
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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