My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?
It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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