I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
My butt remains clenched, sir.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
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