This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
Randomize
