would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
