3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Randomize
