I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Randomize
