Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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