good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize