he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
