Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
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