Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
Randomize