watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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